A friend asked a gentleman why he never married?
Replied the gentleman, “Well, I guess I just never met the right woman… I guess I’ve been looking for the perfect girl.”
“Oh, come on now,” said the friend, “Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry.”
“Yes, there was a girl… once. I guess she was the one perfect girl; the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything… I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me.”
“Well, why didn’t you marry her,” asked the friend.
“Unfortunately, she was looking for the perfect man.”
Do you know the relation between two eyes…???
They never see each other… BUT
1. They blink together.
2. They move together.
3. They cry together.
4. They see together.
5. They sleep together.
They share a very deep bonded relationship…
However, when they see a pretty woman, one will blink and another will not…
Moral of the story: A pretty woman can break any relationship…
On a long haul UK flight, a mother took her young son to the toilet and told him she would come back for him, in five minutes.
However, he was finished in two minutes so he left the toilet and wandered off down the aisle, in the opposite direction from where his mother was.
Meanwhile, a businessman entered the toilet and locked the door.
After the five minutes were up, the mother knocked on the door and called out, “Do you need any help with the zipper?”
From behind the door, a startled male voice said, “Good God!!! That’s what I call service…”
Wife: Can you help me in the gardening ?
Husband: What do you think I am… a gardener ?
Wife: Can you fix the door handle ?
Husband: What do you think I am… a Carpenter ?
In the evening, when husband came from work, he saw everything has been fixed.
Husband: Who did all this ?
Wife: Our neighbour. But he gave me 2 options…. Either I should give him a burger or a kiss.
Husband: I am sure you must have given him a burger.
Wife: What do you think I am…….McDonald ?!!
One day Paddy, an Irishman, goes into a pharmacy, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.
He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the pharmacist and says, “Could you taste this for me, please?”
The pharmacist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.
“Does that taste sweet to you?” says Paddy.
“No, not at all,” says the pharmacist.
“Oh that’s a relief,” says Paddy.
“The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar.”
popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed, to make serving drinks more efficient.
A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, “What’s your IQ?”
The man replied, “140.”
So the robot proceeded to make conversation about string theory and the latest cancer research.
The man listened intently and thought, “This is absolutely great.”
Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, “What’s your IQ?”
The man responded, “120.”
So the robot started talking about the controversies surrounding creationism and the abortion argument.
The man thought to himself, “Wow, this is fantastic.”
A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, “What’s your IQ?”
The man replied, “45.”
The robot then said, “So, how are things in Bihar these days?”
An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.
“Your workers, they’re escaping!” cries the visitor. “You’ve got to stop them.”
“Don’t worry, they’ll be back,” says the American. And indeed, at exactly One o’clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.
When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, “Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?”
“Forget the machines,” says the visitor. “How much do you want for that whistle?”
Three women, a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are lost in the forest while hunting. They each have a shotgun with 2 bullets. They make a fire. Then the redhead gets up and goes hunting.
She comes back with 2 rabbits.
The other two say, “Wow, where did you get that?”
She says, “I found tracks. I followed tracks. I saw rabbits. Rabbits ran. I shot. Rabbits stopped.”
Then the brunette leaves and comes back with a deer.
The other two say, “Wow, Where did you get that?”
She says, “I found tracks. I followed tracks. I saw deer. Deer ran. I shot. Deer stopped.”
The blonde leaves and comes crawling back, all bloodied and black and blue.
They others say, “Wow, where did you get that?”
She says, “I found tracks. I followed tracks. I saw train. Train ran. I shot. Train didn’t stop!!
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, “I bet you don’t know what day this is.”
“Of course I do,” he irritatingly answered, going out the door to the office.
At 11 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a bouquet of red roses. At 2 PM, a two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn’t wait for her husband to come home.
“First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!” she exclaimed. “I’ve never had a more wonderful ‘Children’s Day’ in all my life!”
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testings were done three finalists remained. Richard, Sam and Jane were to be given a final test. For the final test, the FBI agents took Richard to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find Betty, your wife, sitting in a chair. Kill Her!”
Richard said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”
The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”
Sam was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.
Sam came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”
The agent said “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally it was Jane’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband Bob. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood Jane, wiping the sweat from her brow.
“The gun was loaded with blanks” she said. “I had to beat him to death with a chair.”
A visitor to Santa, “Which is Mr Banta’s flat?”
Santa: Please come with me.
The visitor is taken on stairs to the 3rd floor.
The visitor rings the bell and there is no response. He rings it again and again and still no one answers.
Visitor: I think he is not in.
Santa: Yeah, he has gone out. He’ll be back in the evening!
After 15 years of marriage the wife asked her husband to describe her.
The husband looked at her slowly and without blinking an eye, said, “ABCDEFGHIJK.”
“What does that mean?” She asked.
“Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fashionable, Gorgeous and Hot!!!” he replied.
Wife Smiling asked, “So sweet of you honey. What about IJK?”
He replied, “I’m Just Kidding!